Sunday, 16 March 2008

• I want to be more open. But years of Bible college, conservative Christian college, churches, books, etc. have boiled down the Christian faith into a simple, indivisible, inarguable precept: Accept Jesus or go to hell. I'm so afraid to explore alternative ways of looking at faith, and end up misleading someone and be the cause of them not going to Heaven.

  In my heart I can't imagine that life could be as austere and sterile as that- those that go to Heaven, those that don't, not much else matters. It's really difficult to base your life around a belief that you desperately hope isn't true. If the "accept Jesus or go to hell"  equation seems unjust, unloving, and unfair even to my finite, fallible mind, what does that mean?

  Though I'm much less afraid of questions and doubts than I used to be, I still have twinges of fear. Who is the pot to question the Potter? Some of my friends would respond that way if I brought anything like this up. Is God sitting up in Heaven and stewing over my doubts? Planning to smite me for not accepting everything at face value? (though, of course, 'face value' varies depending on who you talk to, so even that's not a for sure thing).

   

  I want to explore intricacies of faith, the colors and nuances and subtleties. But it's very difficult when years of instruction have taught you to resign to black and white.

   

  I'm so confused.

   

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