It feels selfish to me to immerse myself in church and worship and declare the goodness of God. "My car wouldn't start this morning, but I prayed, and it started! God is good!" When your next door neighbors are supposedly going to hell- a decree of your omniscient, omnipotent God. Is this Stockholm syndrome? God throwing us morsels so that we are blinded to ugly realities/things about Him that would turn us away from Him?

When I bring up the standard "why would God create the possibility of hell..." question, Christians that I know invariably reply "well, God doesn't send anyone to hell. But he wanted people to have free will, so that created the possbility of sin. And God is just, so sin must be punished."

Then I ask  "Why did God want us to have free will?" and they said "Because otherwise we'd be automatons. And, automatons can't really worship Him."

So I say "Well, I'd rather be an automaton than in hell for all eternity! And isn't it selfish of God to have created the possibility that billions of people could suffer eternal punishment so that He'd have worshippers?"

That typically renders them answer-less. Someone today tried to say something about "Well, do you want people to love you? Because you create the possibility that you could hurt them- isn't that selfish."

Oh please. Even if I created immense suffering, it would A. not be eternal, and B. not be handed out from an omniscient, omnipotent being that could have forseen and prevented the suffering.

People are grasping at straws to answer me. In one way I feel a small amount of pleasure in that- I feel like they're realizing that I actually have a point and I'm not just a poor misguided soul that can be cured by a few evangelical catch phrases.

But much more so, when people stare at me blankly like a deer in the headlights, I think "No! That can't be it, can it? Have I actually just gutted the basis of our faith and proved it wrong/unfair/ridiculous? Isn't there some other answer you can give me, some other insight that can help me understand???"

But there just isn't. I'm trying to take the leap of faith with a parachute, just in case. Yeah, yeah, I know- the leap is where you jump from logic and cognitions to trust something Other; but I want to stow some logic away in my pockets.

Maybe it's not my lack of ability to have faith that's really the issue. In fact, I really don't think it is. If I could find a way to make peace with the biblical concept of who God is, I don't suspect the leap would be as terrifying and taxing. I don't believe that the earth is purely physical; I don't believe that all truth can be discerned with the five senses and grasped in our hands. I believe in the existence of the spiritual. It's not the existence of, but the nature of, the Divine that gives me pause (or a big angry red stop sign).

How do I keep going on with my life without figuring it out? How should I act? What should I strive for? If/when I eventually counsel people, my belief in and beliefs about God will be crucial because, as a Christian counselor, you greatly incorporate faith into the healing process.

And there's the part of me that thinks "Am I just not willing to swallow the bitter pill? Maybe there's just some things about this faith that suck, but are true. Do I just not wanna 'follow the rules' and this is an easy out?"

OY.

I've been going through not only a spiritual upheaval lately, but an emotional one as well. It's not a good combination.

In my more emotional moments, I revert (or desire to revert) to the more concrete understanding of God that I've typically held in the past. I want a Father to hold me, comfort me, help me. I don't want vague theories and uncertainties. Not that I ever particularly desire vague theories and uncertainties; I'm just more comfortable with them when I'm more emotionally stable.

A friend sent me an email several weeks ago that I just opened tonight. She included the 1 Peter 5:7 verse- "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."  I found it calming for a few moments. And then I read the context: it doesn't seem to be a universal directive to all believers, but to a select group. I don't want to be narrowly literal in my interpretation- I think it can be clearly gleaned from other Scripture that it's an accurate statement about God and His regard toward us. However, there are other Scriptures that cause me to ask "Did God really mean for me to apply this to my life, or was it only for that group at that point in time?"

I wonder that about the Epistles in general- were those *really* meant as God-breathed Scripture, or were they just letters? How can we know? In the past, I thought "well, they've been used for centuries; if it wasn't right for them to be used as Scripture, God could've stopped it...." But I think it's clear that there are a damned lot of things that have happened for centuries in the name of God that weren't/which aren't right. So I'm not sure about that explanation anymore.

I'm really tempted to grab a Bible and jump off the deep end. Immerse myself in the conservative understandings that my faith was raised on. All or nothing. Times of instability obviously draw one to seek a firm foundation. But I don't want to grab on to any 'firm foundation' that floats buy just to buy some security. Sigh.

I've been listening to Scott Krippayne's "Sometimes He Calms the Storm" over and over. The chorus is:

"Sometimes He calms the storm,
With a whispered 'Peace be still'
He can settle any sea
but it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
As the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm,
Other times He calms His child."

Cheesy and cliched? Maybe. But it's helping at the moment.